I hate blogs that start up all enthusiastic and then peter out and fade after a while. And I vowed mine would not be like that.  My intention was to publish a dozen or so blogs to bring you up to speed with the present time of my recovery and how I got here.  But I discovered it was hard work to revisit the past, painful to relive those experiences and difficult to find the discipline to return and document it all. Harder work than I had imagined.  And emotionally draining. Sometimes one overestimates one's own abilities. No, the clever people say we always do that. There, my bad! I am human, and like the rest of the world I overestimated my cleverness and my abilities. But this is my journey - warts and all - and you have chosen to travel part of it with me and to be part of these discoveries of mine.  It seems like now we have started on a new chapter before the previous ones have been completed. I'll have to catch up later.  While I was still reviewing the history, a new headline is about to break. Have no idea where we are going, but come along for the ride!

What you don't know is that this year I went back to universtity to study - postgrad psychology. I need a new career because with all the speech problems after tongue surgery, what I was good at - speaking well - is no longer available to me.  So off to university I went and as a mature student I have found it very hard work to keep up with 22 year olds.  But I have loved every minute so far, and I enjoy learning about things that interest me. I love gerontology and personality psychology and even research. I hope I make it through the mid year exams so I can carry on with the next semester and graduate - although this is looking a bit optimistic right now.

Why the gloom and doom?  Well, I have what I think is a tumour or lesion or something in my left cheek. It came up almost overnight about ten days ago, manifesting as a bit of tenderness and swelling on the left hand side of my jaw.  Probably parotid gland gone rogue. Maybe a tumour, maybe something else.  It is swollen, it hurts like hell and almost two weeks of antibiotics have not made it go away. I spend my days vomiting from the cocktail of antibiotics and pain killers.  And sleeping - the painkillers work really well when you sleep. It interferes with my studies and it makes me very unpleasant to be near. I do a perfect bear with a sore head impersonation. I am taking Tramal for pain, Zofran for vomiting and several grams of Flagel and Augmentin orally, plus a bit of an IV booster. It has stopped whatever it is from getting bigger. But so far no reduction in size.

Had a CT scan yesterday, will see the oncologist on Monday to hear what the scan revealed. My favourite doctor is away on holiday is Spain. Bummer.  He at least knows to hold my hand while giving me bad news or painful procedures. But he will be back at the end of the week. Then I will ask him to make all this go away. Or at least to help me make sense of what is happening.

I have persuaded my GP to give me all the meds I need in the interim - without her having to make a diagnosis.  She is a lovely Greek woman - AC.  I love the way she swears.  Yesterday she told me:"I have given you enough f...ing antibiotics to floor a f...ing rhino and it still hasn't helped. I am tired of standing in for your bloody ENT specialist, this is a f...ing disaster. Go get some f...ing professional help!"  Then she gave me a hug and a script for more opiods. 

You kind of know after a while what the options are.  You can't really have surgery because of previous radio therapy which messed up the blood supply and which will cause trouble with wound healing.  You can't really have radiation again because the area has been maximally radiated previously and any more radiotherapy would only result in necrosis. Of couse these options remain as a very last resort, just before accepting death - but in the mean while, you go conservative with chemicals. Bit in a big way. High dosages, broad spectrum. And you hope for the best.  And if you take enough pain meds you can imagine all sorts of religious experiences and archetypal revelations.

And try to carry on with life. Study for the exams, trying not to fall asleep on every page.  And tell yourself that you are so close to realising your dream that this is just a small hickup and that the brass ring is in reach.

I think it will be ok.  I will let you know when I know more.  Mean while, wish me well.  I have been clear after my last radiation therapy 66 months ago.  I want to believe this is just a little blockage of my  parotid gland, and that the antibiotics will clear it up.

Somebody said the it will be as we say it is. I will be fine.